(Proposal for research contract in connection with the
National
Bureau of Standards Program
for the
Preparation of Pure Materials.)
It has been estimated that about 90% of the scientific complement of almost all scientific institutions is engaged in the processing of crap, and some scientists have placed this value at even higher levels (1). Correspondingly, at least 90% of the world scientific literature can be regarded as describing systems or discussing problems generally within this subject area.
Crap is known to exist in great natural abundance (2,3). Some edible forms of the material are known (2,3). The metallic form has been reported to possess rather recalcitrant properties and to be of high rigidity (4). Other forms appear to have a wide range of properties, of which the prominent features seem to be a lack of suitability or adaptability of the material as regards to any possible relevance or practical application (5).
Little work has been done on the purification of this material. This may be due to a lack of demand (6). However, small amounts of crap have been purified in some laboratories (7). Lately, there has been evidence of an increased demand for crap, particularly for distribution in high-ranking Government circles (8). In view of this, it is felt that preparation of the pure material in large quantities might be worthwhile.
The preparation of pure crap requires rather large-scale planning and it is felt that organization of the project as follows will give the best results.
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1. Personal communication; figures within the range 90-95% have been quoted by members of 8 scientific institutes, referring to the work of their colleagues.
2. A Romanian restaurant on the Petah Tiqua Road, Tel-Aviv, displays a sign listing "Boiled crap, Fried crap, Stewed Crap, Baked crap." (Try the fried)*.
3. A.M. Kaye, personal communication, e.g. "I’m starving - serve out the crap." However, see also: "You surely don’t expect me to eat that crap?"
4. As, in the laying of pipes: "I can’t get this crappy pipe to bend."
5. Personal communications, e.g. "You expect me to do anything with that crap?" However, it has been reported that crap output has been used as a basis for promotion of scientists to senior rank and a position with a peak at 0.3 cu m. crap/year (non-purified crap, of course).
6. James Cagney, in "World of Gangsters (1949)". "Don’t give me none of that crap!" (Ibid.) "I don’t take no crap from anybody."
7. Several sources reporting on the reaction of Research Directors to annual reports: "This is pure, unadulterated crap."
8. Anonymous Ministry Official: "Don’t bother to work out the figures, just give them some crap."
* They mean "carp".