NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
BY TEXAS INSTRUMENTS, INC.
Dallas: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at TI. This element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons nor electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together, in a nucleus, by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Research continues into identifying virtual morons among the cloud of actual morons.
Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATIUM is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of ADMINISTRATIUM caused a reaction to take over 4 days to complete, a reaction that occurs in less than 1 second under normal conditions. ADMINISTRATIUM can also increase the entropy associated with most reactions.
ADMINISTRATIUM has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Sometimes different nuclei exchange neutrons. Some studies suggest that the atomic mass increases during each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicate that ADMINISTRATIUM occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and can be found in the newest and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that ADMINISTRATIUM is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how ADMINISTRATIUM can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ADMINISTRATIUM has never been classified as toxic waste by the USEPA, in part because of an accumulation of the substance in agency offices, but mostly because it is so seldom eliminated or thrown away.